One by one they file into the small room I humorously call the "holy of holies", a concrete space of ten feet by thirteen feet -- cluttered with small tables and chairs, two computers, a locked cabinet, an antique file cabinet, and a table/desk sturdy enough for me to sit on, while the other chairs are occupied by the women in ill-fitting, orange jump suits and black rubber crocs. There are no windows, the door locks behind them. It could be claustrophobic, if you thought of it that way -- I prefer to think of it as an oasis of peace. I play a favorite song from the computer speakers: You are awesome in this place, Abba Father... and the tears begin to flow. Tears that have been held back until now. Tears that show all the aching inside.
The ritual of our weekly Bible study is little more, in my view, than an opportunity to be here, together, and invite God's healing presence into our lives. We learn from the Bible study, of course -- but the true learning takes place in the spaces between the questions. "Does God love me?" "Where are my kids?" "Can I be forgiven for all I've done?" "Can I make it up to my family?"
One woman in particular is troubled with the idea that God does not love her enough to send her a job, give her a car and things that "other, good people" have. She is on "work release" which means she is able to go out and try to find a job where she can work while she is incarcerated. It seems to her that everyone but she is blessed, and that God is punishing her for her many sins by not giving her what she most desires right now in her life.
Does anyone else feel that God is angry with her for all the wrong she has done? I ask. Many nod yes.
What do you think God sees when He looks at you?
A mess. A screw up. Someone who can't control her temptations.
I asked the woman if she thought she had come to the place in her life when she had trusted God, had said yes to the invitation of Christ to come in and have a relationship with her, to give her the Holy Spirit?
She said she had.
We all go to the third chapter of the letter that Paul wrote to the church in Rome -- Here is says, in verse 22: We are made right in God's sight when we trust in Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in this same way, no matter who we are or what we have done. For all have sinned; all fall short of God's glorious standard. Yet now God in his gracious kindness declares us not guilty.
Now there is phrase that resonates with a room full of inmates: God declares us "not guilty".
They eye me suspiciously -- tough women can't trust very well .
It says you aren't guilty and you stand clean before God's eyes.
"And what if I sin again?" one woman asks
"Then you ask for forgiveness," another one answers.
Silence.
"And again?"
"You ask for forgiveness."
They are all thinking the same thing: "And again and again and again and again? Doesn't he ever get tired of our messing up?"
Showing posts with label addictions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addictions. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Prayer for the Addicted
She is on the streets again and not taking my calls. How quickly from "I Surrender All" to "Where can I get another ...." -- fill in the blank with whatever the addiction requires to be satisfied: drink, hit, snort, sexual encounter, brawl, new purchase -- whatever it is that makes me feel whole and complete...
How those addictions control us; how they sap us from the energy that could be turned to better uses --
Inside jail, people are determined to stay in the word, stay on their knees, surrender their lives to Christ...but once they get a taste of the old drug on the outside, that resolve is weakened.
It just doesn't seem as important anymore when there are so many more, better ways to feel good.
In fact, following Christ often does not feel good. It exposes all the wounded parts that the alcohol and drugs have been good at disguising. It takes guts. It takes resolve. It takes grace and power and faith to be willing to subject yourself to the Holy Spirit scanner.
But oh, the result! The result of surrendering yourself to God is so sweet -- and that's the part that few get to...the peace, the joy, the abundance -- not material abundance, but the meaty substantial abundance of life that comes with oneness with the Vine. There is no drug that compares.
Who knows that? Every ex-addicted, Christ-follower I have talked to. Many of us have experienced a whole range of substances that took the place of God in our lives, and each one will attest to the fact that in this universe there is no drug of choice that supplants the delicious
experience of walking in unity with God.
Here is a prayer from one of those ex-addicts, who now ministers to the wounded of the streets., Pastor Marvin Pedigo:
Father in the name of Jesus I lift these people to you. Some in name and others that you know without naming. We thank you for sending your ministering angels into each and every one of the camps of these named and un-named people. Let them minister hope to the weary and tired souls. Let your Spirit become evident even in the midst of the darkness. Send them to us, Lord you are preparing us to be there for them. Let the deception of substances or whatever the addiction, be revealed as what it really is. Instill a hunger into the void that has been filled with less than the truth. Let the truth touch the void and remind all that there is only one that really will fit and stay in place if allowed. Thank you for protecting all that operate on the front lines in this ministry. Thank you for the finances that sustain us all. IN Jesus Name, AMEN
How those addictions control us; how they sap us from the energy that could be turned to better uses --
Inside jail, people are determined to stay in the word, stay on their knees, surrender their lives to Christ...but once they get a taste of the old drug on the outside, that resolve is weakened.
It just doesn't seem as important anymore when there are so many more, better ways to feel good.
In fact, following Christ often does not feel good. It exposes all the wounded parts that the alcohol and drugs have been good at disguising. It takes guts. It takes resolve. It takes grace and power and faith to be willing to subject yourself to the Holy Spirit scanner.
But oh, the result! The result of surrendering yourself to God is so sweet -- and that's the part that few get to...the peace, the joy, the abundance -- not material abundance, but the meaty substantial abundance of life that comes with oneness with the Vine. There is no drug that compares.
Who knows that? Every ex-addicted, Christ-follower I have talked to. Many of us have experienced a whole range of substances that took the place of God in our lives, and each one will attest to the fact that in this universe there is no drug of choice that supplants the delicious
experience of walking in unity with God.
Here is a prayer from one of those ex-addicts, who now ministers to the wounded of the streets., Pastor Marvin Pedigo:
Father in the name of Jesus I lift these people to you. Some in name and others that you know without naming. We thank you for sending your ministering angels into each and every one of the camps of these named and un-named people. Let them minister hope to the weary and tired souls. Let your Spirit become evident even in the midst of the darkness. Send them to us, Lord you are preparing us to be there for them. Let the deception of substances or whatever the addiction, be revealed as what it really is. Instill a hunger into the void that has been filled with less than the truth. Let the truth touch the void and remind all that there is only one that really will fit and stay in place if allowed. Thank you for protecting all that operate on the front lines in this ministry. Thank you for the finances that sustain us all. IN Jesus Name, AMEN
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
This is Why People Dislike Christians, and I Don't Blame Them!
I picked up my friend from a local shelter for homeless men. We went to an Addictions Conquerors meeting (Christian 12 step) and then to a Christian function in town. It was a meeting of ministers, who were expressing a spirit of unity. After the service, a large room was set up for each mission to display their outreach materials. A table filled with cookies lined one side of the room.
After ten or fifteen minutes of visiting the tables, I found my friend near the door, eating a cookie and having some punch. He was standing away from the others, and I asked him to join me.
"I don't do crowds," he told me. But there was something more. After we spoke for a moment, he confided, "You know, I went over there and took a handful of cookies. Two of them fell on the floor, and I laughed and said, 'the ten second rule applies' and I picked them up. And this lady said if I hadn't been so greedy, they wouldn't have fallen."
I was stunned into silence. He went on.
"I had to go right before God and ask Him, 'God? Was I greedy or was I hungry?' I decided I was hungry."
He had a tear in his eye. "It hurt me," he admitted.
I was torn between going to the cookie table and smashing those snickerdoodles right into her face or falling on the floor in agony over the condition of this faithless flock we have become.
We both stood there, looking at one another. Both with tears. His shame; mine anger and compassion combined.
"But you know what?" he said, "This is a blessing in a way. I mean if I had been in the middle of my addiction I would have cussed her out..."
"You were the Christ-follower here," I told him.
"And another thing...I felt hurt!"
I looked at him, not understanding what he was saying.
"I mean, I FELT the hurt. You don't know how long it's been since I felt something like that. I've been hurt alot in my past...in my childhood...and I just stopped feeling. But now I can feel."
Our addictions cover our pain, keep us from pain, but in the end cause more pain. My friend is overcoming his addictions and is beginning to come to terms with all the pain bottled up in there...
We praised God together for using the unkindness of this "Christian" to bring a deeper understanding about how God is making changes.
Still, I am struck with the very picture of this lowly one, coming into fellowship with Christian bigwigs in the community, and being struck down. Had it not been for God's Holy Spirit keeping him clear-minded, it could have been just another sad story of relapse, at the careless words of someone who calls herself a "Christ follower",
And then I am struck with my own propensity for putting my mouth before my thoughts -- blurting out what I think before going through God's Holy Scanner. Note to self.
After ten or fifteen minutes of visiting the tables, I found my friend near the door, eating a cookie and having some punch. He was standing away from the others, and I asked him to join me.
"I don't do crowds," he told me. But there was something more. After we spoke for a moment, he confided, "You know, I went over there and took a handful of cookies. Two of them fell on the floor, and I laughed and said, 'the ten second rule applies' and I picked them up. And this lady said if I hadn't been so greedy, they wouldn't have fallen."
I was stunned into silence. He went on.
"I had to go right before God and ask Him, 'God? Was I greedy or was I hungry?' I decided I was hungry."
He had a tear in his eye. "It hurt me," he admitted.
I was torn between going to the cookie table and smashing those snickerdoodles right into her face or falling on the floor in agony over the condition of this faithless flock we have become.
We both stood there, looking at one another. Both with tears. His shame; mine anger and compassion combined.
"But you know what?" he said, "This is a blessing in a way. I mean if I had been in the middle of my addiction I would have cussed her out..."
"You were the Christ-follower here," I told him.
"And another thing...I felt hurt!"
I looked at him, not understanding what he was saying.
"I mean, I FELT the hurt. You don't know how long it's been since I felt something like that. I've been hurt alot in my past...in my childhood...and I just stopped feeling. But now I can feel."
Our addictions cover our pain, keep us from pain, but in the end cause more pain. My friend is overcoming his addictions and is beginning to come to terms with all the pain bottled up in there...
We praised God together for using the unkindness of this "Christian" to bring a deeper understanding about how God is making changes.
Still, I am struck with the very picture of this lowly one, coming into fellowship with Christian bigwigs in the community, and being struck down. Had it not been for God's Holy Spirit keeping him clear-minded, it could have been just another sad story of relapse, at the careless words of someone who calls herself a "Christ follower",
And then I am struck with my own propensity for putting my mouth before my thoughts -- blurting out what I think before going through God's Holy Scanner. Note to self.
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