To Label Me...

Soren Kierkegaard said, "To label me is to negate me".  As we define someone, we disregard the fullness of that person's potential to be so many other things.

I think it goes beyond even that -- "to label me is to potentially block me from receiving the richness of God's goodness!"  If you call me "learning disabled" or "diabetic" or "homeless" or "Baptist", and if I buy into that label as who I am -- a name tag that I must identify with -- then I am less able to believe I am also "brilliant", "healthy", "connected", or "in love with Jesus"

I am not saying that to be diabetic, for example, is an illusion.  True, the lab reports show that your body is not functioning as it should and something needs to be done about it before more harm is done to your body.  But that is not who you are.

To say you are "an addict" has a deep, alienating impact on your soul.  True, at this moment you may be struggling with your dependency on a substance or a person or a position.  Something needs to be done about it.  You need a place to go where you are loved and cared for -- where people connect with you on a deep, meaningful level.  You also need to give up your dependency, but to do it in a vacuum, without the belief that anything of value will take its place leaves you with a hole inside of you that can't be filled.  If you believe you are "an addict", then you are "an addict".  When will it ever end unless you say, "I am not an addict any longer." ?

The more you buy into your label, the harder it will be to achieve the very connection you require for your healing. 

Last night I watched a transformation take place at my Table Church, where I go every Friday night  to meet God and a bunch of people with all kinds of minimizing labels, according to the world. 

I watched a man who could be labeled "recently released inmate" or "homeless person"    restored to his dignity as a child of the King of Glory.  I watched him become filled with the knowledge that he is a family member, that God has a plan for him, that he is worthy of being called "son".

You should have seen his face light up.  You should have seen the shoulder slump rise.  You should have seen him pray over another brother who needed help and comfort.

"Son" "Beloved" "Brother" -- now, if you have to live with a label...

The Healing Thing-- more Spiritual Gifts?

I think women especially  understand how it all comes into play -- that physical, emotional, spiritual chaotic mixture that makes "me".

 So many hurts, so many issues:  some physical, some emotional, some spiritual --  they are almost always knitted together and cannot be segmented and treated separately.  You see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices, sometimes -- if they are able, you will see it in their tears and in their words.

Look deeper and you will see it in their physical and emotional diseases, too.

We all need healing!


Now this whole notion of being healed through the Holy Spirit  -- delivered through the prayers of  other believers, for me, is a bit shaky.  I, like many evangelicals, have been turned off by the ranting and raving of televised healers, the pushing of the forehead, the falling down.  It looks like a carnival act for money.


On the other hand, it is obvious that  God heals us in many ways-- we grow, sometimes in spite of our efforts, we change, we become closer to Him as we slough off the sins of our flesh and cling to Him.  We are being healed in many ways every day -- as we agree to do what He tells us to do.

So where does He stop?  How much healing does He do?  Does He stop at the flesh, which is being corrupted anyway, so why bother?  Jesus healed all the time He was walking on earth -- and He told the disciples to keep doing it as well.  Does He heal the mind?  Does He heal the emotions?

Through a number of recent circumstances, I am coming to the realization  that God might actually want to use His children on earth today to heal others -- to use them as vessels of His power.  (Clogged, imperfect, leaky vessels to be sure -- but still useful.)

 I mean, He has given us gifts, right?  Every believer receives spiritual gifts to use. For what?  Why does God "need" us to use the gifts? He is a sovereign God who can do whatever He wants when He wants.  Why would He use us at all?

The only reason I can come up with is that it benefits us somehow to use His gifts to minister to other believers,  to make their lives better, and to be a demonstration of God's power  so that others will believe and come to Him.

It is His desire to see us inhabiting fully functioning, happy, peaceful lives so that we can impart our stability and freedom and assurance onto the lives of others.  He wants to get into the deep stuff, clear it out, and give us freedom to live for Him in a way that is not painful to ourselves and to others around us.  He wants to put us on solid ground so that we can throw a rope to the ones who are drowning.

Put that way, I can buy into the "healing thing". I guess I can believe even today, lives can be changed by God's incredible warming, comforting, blinding, purifying Light.  I guess I can believe that even today, people could help in aiming the Light to the place that needs healing.

It Aint No Struggle, Really...

Struggling believers often quote Paul's dilemma in Romans 7 as a justification for their difficulty in overcoming their sin:

Well what about Paul?, the argument goes,  Look at how he struggled with doing what was right.

They quote:   I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.(Romans 7:14)


So if Paul, I mean PAUL the incredible zealot who gave up his entire adult life for Christ struggles, then why shouldn't I?


Here's what I see today, and you can correct me if I'm wrong:  Paul was making a point  here that started way before this verse.  He's talking about sin and why we sin and if we should even sin in this new Spirit state that we have received.  But the point he is making does not end at this verse!

I believe it ends in Chapter 8:

But you are not controlled by your sinful nature.  You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you (And remember that those who do not have the spirit of Christ living in them are not Christians at all) (Romans 8:9)....
So dear brothers (that sounds like a summation to me!) you have no obligation whatsoever to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. (Romans 8:12)  

THIS is his point -- not that issue back in Romans 7, but here in Romans 8:  we don't have to sin and if we do it's because we CHOOSE to!  Come on, what's the purpose of having God's Holy Spirit living in us, directing us, infusing us with wisdom if we aren't going to allow Him to change our lives?  Here is the real struggle:  is it Him or is it Me?

I know that many argue about whether or not Paul was speaking about himself as a Jew before conversion in Romans 7,  or whether it was a personal, autobiographical statement of what was going on in his life at that moment.

I don't think it really matters.  What matters is that although we may struggle with the CHOICE of doing right or wrong (i.e. submitting to the Holy Spirit or not), we struggle not because we  have to, but because we want what we want when we want it.

Now where those desires come from is another question for another day...

I have been accused of being condemning and harsh when I bring up the Truth of Scripture in light of something that a person has been describing that's going on in her life.  Ironically, this comes from people within the church more than in the jail.

(People in jail know they need help!  It's us "free people" who are truly caught up in the snares of our sins and justifications.)

But anyone who knows me well knows that I have had  a whole litany of sins in my  life -- starting with number One and going all the way to Ten on the list in Exodus.  I haven't avoided one of them.

In my experience, freedom comes from allowing the healing, penetrating, powerful heat of God's Holy Spirit to get inside of us and do His redemptive work, not to run from it.

Well it's hard!   some people tell me.

Yes, it is hard to put yourself in the spotlight and ask God to burn it all off -- all the dross, all the impurities, all the ugliness that we have been carrying around inside us for years and years.  It's embarrassing.  It's humiliating.  It's painful.

And it's worth it.  What could be more fulfilling than to bask in that Light-- be warmed by that same, sweet, penetrating Light, be comforted, be given strength and purpose?

The rewards so outweigh the painful process that brings you there...

Finding Healing-- Speaking in Tongues for the First Time

Repressed Baptists don't know much about the Holy Spirit. It's a sad truth, but one that must be faced. We hear the words and we read about it all through Scripture, but for the most part, the best we can do is to relate it to the feelings of peace we have during prayer, the thrill we have when we're singing during worship.

It is difficult for us to come to terms with the reality that the Spirit of the Living God is here -- on the inside of us, working, prodding, speaking, moving. It takes catastrophic experiences, sometimes, to blast us into the next level.

I am speaking about my own experience. It might be different for others, but I think there are a number of God-fearing Christ-followers who know this to be true.

There is no question that we are saved -- we can stand at the throne of Grace boldly because we love Jesus, we live our lives for Him, we worship Him with our our decisions, our time, our money, our efforts. We often feel His presence. But the Holy Spirit? It is that ephemeral, ghost-like apparition that puzzles us. What do we "do" with It? or is it Him?

Some things we just gloss over in Scripture -- or we say things like, "Well that was then, and this is now..." Does the Holy Spirit really have to operate like He did in the book of Acts today? I mean, we've got the Bible, don't we?

Some people even believe it is nearing blasphemy to say that the Holy Spirit is operating full-force today. But this is what Jesus says to His disciples:

  It's actually best for you that I go away, because if I don't the Counselor won't come.  If I do go away, He will come because I will send Him to you and when He comes...He will guide you into all truth.  He will tell you about the future.  He will bring me glory by revealing to you whatever He receives from Me. (John 16:  5 - 15, NLT)

Are we to assume that this revelation stopped at some point along the way?


All this is coming to me today. This morning. I have spent the last hour doing something I didn't even believe in 2 years ago -- speaking in tongues. The few moments I had of "earth thinking" while it was going on I was thinking to myself -- "Okay, now you really have gone nuts. The pressure of living through your husband's death and everything that followed has finally brought you to madness."

The rest of the time I was saying "Oh Yippeeee! Now I get it. Now I see it. Now I know what this is about."


Apparently, I have the gift of sobbing tongues because every time I have spoken in tongues (this was the longest by far), I sobbed from deep within. I know certainly that this is a healing process. God is pulling out all of the stuff that's been bottled up for years and years and years. I know also -- don't ask me how, I just do -- that my healing is leading to the healing of others. So through this magnificent experience I am made aware of one thing: we all need healing.  There is so much going on outside that reflects what is broken inside.

Of course to have the Holy Spirit, the Comforter,  does not mean you must speak in tongues or have a dramatic manifestation. 
I am not suggesting that every believer should speak in tongues.  I have gone for thirty years as a believer without the experience.  I could have continued a wonderful, fruitful Christ-filled ministry without it for the rest of my earthly life.

But why would I?  Wow.  I feel like I've been living in a glorious mansion for many years and just discovered the secret room where generations before me have stashed their treasures.

God has presented me with a way to be fully healed and to heal others on my way.  Broken hearts and lives cannot stand up to this.

Street sick confessions: Working in the Jail

They spill all the memories, in a way that they have not done before:  wide-open with a touch of that jail house humor that prevents real emotions.  They relate the events of their lives like a movie from a distance.  No one is allowed to cry.  Not them.  Not I.  One drop of tears and we would never stop. The oceans would not hold all the tears we have to cry.

I was gang-raped by six men, says one
My mother's boyfriend pushed my face into a pot of spaghetti.
I had a circular bruise for weeks, says another.
I woke up naked in the middle of the city.
I stole my grandmother's jewelry for dope.

I don't know who has my children. 


Any response would be cheap and thin:
Oh, I'm sorry
Gee that must have hurt.
Are you better now?
Look up and be strong.
God is right around the corner
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
How is it that you decided to continue living?
My, doesn't God work in mysterious ways?
It's a test
It's your destiny
In 50 years it won't matter


No, rather than respond,
I sit in my sagacity
like a grey post
Hearing between the breaths -- 
mine and theirs --
Help me. Help me. Help me.
And when they are done,
I peddle away in my car,
To my home,
To my flannel sheets,
Where I cocoon myself
and weep and weep and weep.

Gaining Weight -- it's a good thing!

I remember reading of a sociological study in which poor children were asked to estimate the size of a quarter.  Invariably they drew a circle much larger than an actual quarter.  They supersized the thing they valued.  We do the same -- not in actual, tangible size, perhaps -- but we give greater space, greater "weight"  to the things most valuable to us.

And we devalue the things we look down upon.  On the street, to "dis" is to disrespect, diminish, make less important and less valuable. Someone's diss opens the door to all kinds of "justifiable" retaliation. 

I was struck recently with just how key this notion of value is to the process of healing.   Consider this -- if you were devalued as you grew up and shown repeatedly that you were not important to the world around you.  If you were ignored by the busy, important people around you, pushed to the side in favor of other, more pressing matters -- sometimes physically pushed to the side, sometimes emotionally --the result would be your seeing yourself as transparent, weightless, in a sense -- without substance or power to make changes in your environment

  You are marginal, and no one cares about you.


Some who are pushed aside lash out against that sense of  weightlessness with an emotional script that runs something akin to what plays out on the street when one person is dissed by another.

You think I don't matter?  You think I'm inconsequential?  Well, watch this...

A courtroom scene was described to me recently:

The judge was awestruck by the support given a particular offender.  His advocates stood beside him and vouched for his value.  He is worth the trouble, they said, with their words and presence. He matters.  He is not invisible.  We care what happens to him.  He will not pay us anything.  He does not owe us anything.  We just care about him and what happens to him.  We think he makes a diffference in this world.

What strikes me is the similarity between this scene and the scene played out in the Heavenly Court, when Jesus Christ stands in our staid -- interceding for us, defending us, telling God -- She's important to Me.  I planned her!   I would lay down my life for her.

There is great healing in realizing that you matter -- that you have weight -- that you are not "nothing"--  that someone  will take time to listen to you, to notice that you exist, that you have something to say.  It is amazing to find it in another person -- but it is almost incomprehensible to find it in God Himself.


What is man that you are mindful of him, wrote David in the book of Psalm.

How could this speck of dust floating randomly in space catch Your attention -- why would we matter at all to You?


Yet, amazingly we do matter to God.  He is intimately acquainted with us -- He knows us through and through and He cares.

You have searched me and known me...You are intimately acquainted with all my ways...You have enclosed me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Psalm 139:3


And because we matter to Him, we can care about others and give them weight, and that's a good thing.

Sins of the Past --- Satan's Playbook

According to Scripture, God doesn't remember our sins.  They are as far as the East is from the West.  But apparently, others do...

It is amazing how the sins of the past can hunt you down.  You are living a life free from the worries and complications that used to bind you, and suddenly you open a door or click on an email and POW -- there is the reminder of when you  stood on a shaky foundation and Satan wants to remind you of how badly you behaved -- how many people you hurt along the way.  Even though you know it's Satan working against you,  and even though you know it's an illusion because the past is gone, you ache with remorse and worry that you will never be able to shake these issues.

This happened to me recently.  My late-husband's ex-wife wrote to remind me of how my husband and I  had failed the children we all had in common.  Children who are in their mid-twenties now and are acting out their issues in painful ways.  She is correct. We failed.  We all failed.  We chose the road mostly taken -- self gratification and self-preservation. 

I am deeply sorry for my part in the mess.  I have made amends to my stepsons, and we have good, solid healthy relationships at this point.  I am in their lives to encourage them and to help them however I can.  I pray for them, I love them, and I love the ones they love.  What else can I do at this point?

This woman, however, desires to remind me of my inadequacies and those of my late- husband, who is no longer alive to defend himself.  And I get angry, and I get frustrated, and I lose my peace when I don't want to.

I want to retaliate.  I want to defend.  I want to show my teeth and tear some flesh, and then I am horrified at the reaction. Where is the strength of His joy?  Where is the acknowledgment of Him in all my ways?  How do I let myself become so unsettled, so pulled in to this snare?

What a blatant reminder all of this is to the Daily Surrender: Surrendering past sins and missteps.  Surrendering my penchant for control.  Submitting it -- utterly -- to His Hands, and then putting my own hands to work for something good and constructive.

We have today, right now to make amends.  We cannot wallow in the mistakes of the past -- it is counter-productive.  Once we have brought them to the Light and received forgiveness and healing, we must let them rest.  When they are brought up again, we must surrender them to the control of the One who controls.  To take them back again, like a rotted bone dug up, to gnaw and worry over is playing right into Satan's plan to keep us looking back -- the most exhausting and depleting of human activity.