One by one they file into the small room I humorously call the "holy of holies", a concrete space of ten feet by thirteen feet -- cluttered with small tables and chairs, two computers, a locked cabinet, an antique file cabinet, and a table/desk sturdy enough for me to sit on, while the other chairs are occupied by the women in ill-fitting, orange jump suits and black rubber crocs. There are no windows, the door locks behind them. It could be claustrophobic, if you thought of it that way -- I prefer to think of it as an oasis of peace. I play a favorite song from the computer speakers: You are awesome in this place, Abba Father... and the tears begin to flow. Tears that have been held back until now. Tears that show all the aching inside.
The ritual of our weekly Bible study is little more, in my view, than an opportunity to be here, together, and invite God's healing presence into our lives. We learn from the Bible study, of course -- but the true learning takes place in the spaces between the questions. "Does God love me?" "Where are my kids?" "Can I be forgiven for all I've done?" "Can I make it up to my family?"
One woman in particular is troubled with the idea that God does not love her enough to send her a job, give her a car and things that "other, good people" have. She is on "work release" which means she is able to go out and try to find a job where she can work while she is incarcerated. It seems to her that everyone but she is blessed, and that God is punishing her for her many sins by not giving her what she most desires right now in her life.
Does anyone else feel that God is angry with her for all the wrong she has done? I ask. Many nod yes.
What do you think God sees when He looks at you?
A mess. A screw up. Someone who can't control her temptations.
I asked the woman if she thought she had come to the place in her life when she had trusted God, had said yes to the invitation of Christ to come in and have a relationship with her, to give her the Holy Spirit?
She said she had.
We all go to the third chapter of the letter that Paul wrote to the church in Rome -- Here is says, in verse 22: We are made right in God's sight when we trust in Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in this same way, no matter who we are or what we have done. For all have sinned; all fall short of God's glorious standard. Yet now God in his gracious kindness declares us not guilty.
Now there is phrase that resonates with a room full of inmates: God declares us "not guilty".
They eye me suspiciously -- tough women can't trust very well .
It says you aren't guilty and you stand clean before God's eyes.
"And what if I sin again?" one woman asks
"Then you ask for forgiveness," another one answers.
Silence.
"And again?"
"You ask for forgiveness."
They are all thinking the same thing: "And again and again and again and again? Doesn't he ever get tired of our messing up?"
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