Bulldozers, Escapists, Doormats and Saints -- Hopes for the New Year

I bought myself a gift for Christmas this year -- a book* on confronting without offending.  It's a good gift for someone who likes to speak her mind and often says things like, "Oh, I wish I hadn't said that..."after the words fall out of her mouth.

Here's what I'm learning:  There are four kinds of approaches to confrontation:  The Bulldozers (The book calls it them Dictators), the Escapists (the book calls them Abdicators), the Doormats (the book calls them Accomodators)  and The Peacemaker--the ones who make it all work out to everyone's advantage. (the book calls them Collaborators). 

I am a Bulldozer who wants to be a Peacemaker.

As a Bulldozer,   I plow through situations without a lot of forethought -- because, hey, why do I have to think it through?  Don't I already know how this situation is going to play out? Haven't I already been here a hundred times before?  Bulldozers don't wait around for others -- they know what they want and they go for it.  They don't listen.  They don't consider.  But here's the truth about Bulldozers:  We are fearful.

Bulldozers have learned that the best Defense is a Noisy Offense.  It works most of the time, too. You get what you want, when you want it...only Bulldozers often discover the destruction they have left behind when it is too late.

Then there is the Escapist -- One wrong move, and these folks run for the hills.  You find them living in the hills, away from population.  I found extreme cases of Escapists in Key West (as far South as you can go) -- Hawaii, (as far West as you can go), Alaska (you get the picture...)  For those who don't have the financial resources to escape geographically, they escape by other means -- drinking, drugs, quitting jobs without explanation, leaving relationships either through work-addiction, adultery, hobbies...
They hop around because they don't want to involved since involvement means committment, and committment means having to stay in something even when it gets dicey.

Escapists are the ephemeral folks in your life that you can never really pin down because they get quietly offended and move out of your life without a word.  They never say "Goodbye" or "Screw You" or anything. You just look around one day and they are gone.  It is so difficult to make relationships work with them because they won't stay around long enough to even try.  They burrow into their comfortable place and disappear.  Fear rules them, too, but they just respond differently from the Bulldozer.

Doormats are, well, Doormats.  They put up with just about everything to make things "easy" and "workable" and "fun" and "OKAY".  Doormats have no boundaries. They let people in from every direction and through every device available in the 21st Century.  They want to get along but at the root of every doormat is a motherload of bitterness and resentment.

They want people to notice how overloaded they are -- but then they take on more and more and more.  They have headaches and neckaches and upset stomachs and JUST NEED TO REST every once in a while, but they rarely do, because there is always someone else needing help.  They don't say what they want because they are fearful that if they do, everyone will leave, or dislike them, or that there will be chaos. They just allow things to  happen, but they are deeply frustrated in the process.

Of course the Peacemaker is the one every Christ-follower strives to be -- the one who can work things out and help everyone walk away from the situation a better person.  This is the Ephesians 4:29 person who speaks in a way that gives grace to everyone in ear shot.  No one is offended, no one feels diminished through the encounter.

This is my heart's desire -- to be that Peacemaker.  It's my goal for the New Year -- to be kind to others, tender hearted, forgiving each other,  to take on what's mine and nothing else, to have healthy, life-producing and satisfying relationships, to edify with my words, and not tear down. 

It's a long jump from Bulldozer to Peacemaker,  but God is a God of bridges between gaps, of restoration and healing.  He is the Light.  He can quiet my tongue and soothe my spirit, if I give Him all my fears and self-protective strategies. He has taken me from Broken to Whole, from Lost to Saved, from Confused to Certain -- why couldn't He take me to Peacemaker?









*Confronting Without Offending by Deborah Smith Pegues  (Harvest House Publishers, 2009)